she is the kim kardashian of front butts
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize