It's like God shit irony all over that family
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
