Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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