I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
