I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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