Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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