My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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