Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just invented taco cereal.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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