we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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