I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
