we're chasing vodka with high fives
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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