I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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