I love black thongs
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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