You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
