Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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