Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want her autograph on my taint
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
