something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
