I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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