remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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