They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
