Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
