the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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