CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
