Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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