Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
