when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
