I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
