You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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