Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize