Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
