Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
