Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
