I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This house was built for laser tag.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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