My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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