you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
