Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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