Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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