She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
