ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
