I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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