i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
