You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
