exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
