He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
