This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
