Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
