I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
