i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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