I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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