Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize