There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
why didn't you poke me back
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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