So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
