I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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