Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
