anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
