Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
