We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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