I think I am morally bankrupt
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
